An end of the world black comedy
by William M Johnson

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8. Perhaps only Harmonic Convergence can now save the planet from imminent destruction.  According to New Age mystic Troy Starfire, extra-terrestrials are already on Earth disguised as dolphins, poised to intervene at the midnight hour. But Sherreye, a new addition to the prophet’s brood, is anguishing over the veracity of his claim...
[ Contains gratuitous sex scene ]

"Gee, I don’t know, Cindy," she whined. "My daddy’s gonna be awful cross. We been here only a day and I already spent over 2,000 bucks!"

"Isn’t your daddy gonna be real happy about you saving the world?" Cindy protested.

"Yeah, well," Sherreye replied sulkily. "It was OK until that Troy Starfire said all that stuff about the Kelts being aliens from another planet. I mean, like gimme a fucking break! Those guys were wandering around cutting people’s heads off with axes! They were going into battle in carts wearing kilts and stuff. They only just invented the wheel, for Chrissakes! How did they make their spaceships? Out of wood or what?"

"You gotta believe, Sherreye. I mean, like maybe they only did all that stuff to fool the Romans or the Saxons or whoever, the primitive tribes that were persecuting them!"

"I wanna believe! I wanna!" Sherreye protested.

"Relax, Sherreye. Like I told you, we had a meeting at our local chapter last week and I hugged between three and four dozen people! The amount of peaceful vibrations we had was, like, totally awesome! It’s already changed my life for ever. I feel no hostility at all. And I believe anything!"

"But some of these people are so weird!"

Zena Moonbeam glided over to them with deliberate grace and a rustling of Keltish robes. "Sisters," she announced, touching the intuitive power point on her forehead. "I sense a feeling of dissatisfaction… negativity," she added in pain. The girls shuffled their feet and looked guilty. Zena Moonbeam cast a penetrating gaze deep into their eyes.

"Yeah," Cindy blurted nervously, "like Sherreye’s my best friend, OK? But like all these incredible things are real new to her. She just doesn’t get this stuff about King Arthur and the UFOs." Sherreye elbowed her friend in irritation. Zena focused a well-practised beam of compassion upon the novice, who gazed at her feet in a mixture of guilt and embarrassment. Then Zena stepped forward and embraced Sherreye in a positive-energy hug.

"Try not to resist the power from within, Sherreye. I know these many revelations may seem difficult to believe at first, but the conflict within you is between your positive spirit, who intuitively knows these things to be true, and your mind, which has been held prisoner by negative human conditioning…"

"Tell her about King Arthur and the UFOs!" Cindy urged.

"…I know it seems complicated. But look deep, deep into your mind and you will see just how simple it really is… Morgan, King Arthur’s sister and one of the greatest magicians of all time, rediscovered the secret of crystal energy. But to build a starship she needed the original crystal, which had been lost at the time of Atlantis’ destruction. The Atlantis Crystal became known as the Holy Grail. Then Morgan, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table set forth on their spiritual quest."

"So they found the Holy Grail, after all!" said Cindy ecstatically.

"That’s right. And now there is a whole planetary system out there, called the Atlantis Federation."

"Tell her about the Dolphins of the Round Table!"

A look of annoyance momentarily flickered across Zena’s pallid other-worldly features. "Cindy – please let me mind-bond with Sherreye without interruption."

"OK," Cindy pouted.

"There are many thousands of UFO sightings, but did you ever stop to wonder why these visitors to our planet never make contact except for a few well-chosen individuals? It is because they are already familiar with this planet and its negative human mindset. They are simply waiting, poised to reunite with us as soon as we turn the Earth towards positive healing power. And did you ever stop to think why James Dean and Jim Morrison mysteriously disappeared? Think of it, my sister. You will find the answers deep within." She hugged Sherreye again in crystal mind power and glided towards the kitchen in her flowing Keltish robes, her long raven hair glinting in beams of sunlight.

"Like, wow!" Sherreye was dazed and breathless. "Cindy! Her power was incredible!"

"Yeah," Cindy beamed. "And you know what? She exchanged vows with Jim Morrison just before he was whisked off the planet!"

"You’re kidding! You think Elvis is up there someplace too?"

"Maybe he’s one of the Dolphins of the Round Table. Troy Starfire says that these guys from Atlantis can turn themselves into anything they want as a kind of disguise. He says the old Knights of the Round Table discovered the elixir of eternal life and that they’re down here disguised as dolphins on a kind of mission to make contact with humans. I guess that’s why dolphins are so friendly and, like, totally out of this world!"

Her eyes suddenly lit up. "Sherreye! What you say we slip away down to the beach right now to see the dolphins? I heard that the guy who’s always swimming with them is like, really cool!"

So they wandered through the terraced gardens and down to the serpentine pathway, tittering at the fallen marble satyrs.

"Like, I wonder if they’re relics from Atlantis," Cindy said in sudden urgency. "You know they say sex was real open in those days."

"Yeah, looks like the guys were hung better as well," Sherreye replied, eyeing one of the intact satyrs, and both girls subsided into giggles. Down at the cove, they spotted a distant figure in waist-deep water, playing with a dolphin. They ran towards him, skipping through the surf. Eventually, he turned and saw them, a blond-haired beach boy with rippling muscles and baby blue eyes.

"Hi there!" he called out to them with a disarming boyish grin. "Come on in! I didn’t see you girls around before. My name’s Clyde."

Clyde! Like, wow! Cindy and Sherreye scrambled to undress, revealing bikinis so miniature they looked as if they’d been filched from a couple of Barbie dolls. They skipped into the sea but stopped when the turquoise waters began to lap at their knees.

"Does he bite?" Sherreye called out.

Clyde turned a seductive smile upon them. "Nah, he’s real friendly. And he likes women most of all!" They waded in deeper until they were standing just behind him.

"Me and Sherreye think the work you’re doing with the dolphins is just great!" Cindy crooned, breathlessly light-headed. "Yeah!"

"Well, gee, me and the dolphin have a very special relationship!"

"Wow! What’s his name?" Please, please, don’t say Flipper, prayed Sherreye, or else I’m gonna, like, totally die.

"Star," said Clyde, beaming at them.

"Wow!" chirped Cindy. "Is he from outer space?"

Star the dolphin, dorsal fin cutting through the shallow water, circled them rapidly, emitting little sonar squeaks. He then began to rub up against their legs as he passed, sometimes opening his mouth to reveal jaws crammed with spiny teeth. "Hey, I don’t like the look of those teeth," Sherreye announced nervously, retreating a little towards the shore.

"Hey, don’t freak out. That’s just a sign of affection. He likes you! Dolphins don’t only use their teeth for eating, you know. They also use them a lot in love-making."

"Wow!" Cindy exclaimed. "Like, they’re really advanced!"

"But…" Sherreye murmured, unsure of the implications. Meanwhile, Star was nudging and herding her back towards the others. He then began to wriggle between their legs, with the girls emitting squeals of nervous delight.

"Dolphins have no inhibitions," said Clyde, his broad shoulders glistening in the sun. "And you know, they even masturbate too!"

Snorting sceptically, Cindy confronted him. "Oh yeah? How do they do it? With their flippers or what?"

The blond beach boy looked at them seductively and licked his lips. "Nah, he likes to gently rub against things."

"Oh wow!" and the girls both collapsed into nervous giggles.

"C’mon in, let’s swim with Star!"

Cindy squealed as the dolphin circled her, gently raking her back with his teeth and tugging at the clasp of her bikini top.

"What’s he doin’?" she cried.

Clyde grinned. "Well, shoot! He’s just playin’."

Cindy’s bikini top floated away. "You train him to do that or what?" she demanded indignantly, grasping out as it drifted away on the current.

"Nah," Clyde replied artfully, with a smile that both girls thought cute, "Star gets real sexy around women."

"Jeez, look at his dong, Cindy! It’s as big as one of those satyrs’ up there!"

"Oh yeah?" she hissed at Sherreye. "So just take a look at Clyde’s!"

"Oh … my … Gard!" gasped Sherreye, as the full implications, and the dolphin’s flippers, suddenly gripped her.

Star swam over their submerged shoulders, the weight ducking their heads.

"He’s so heavy!" spluttered Sherreye, on the verge of tears.

"He’s like a pet!" Cindy squealed.

And when the girls were finally fished from the water later that day, dazed and bedraggled, their bikinis either torn or entirely missing, the expression ‘heavy petting’ had indeed been given a whole new dimension.

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