An end of the world black comedy
by William M Johnson

Sneak Preview

<   |   1   |   2   |   3   |   4   |   5   |   6   |   7   |   8   |   9   |   >

4. Meanwhile, His Holiness the Pope is haunted
by concerns of a more spiritual nature…

In the tranquil and secluded splendour of his private study, with its high domed ceilings and white graceful arches, His Holiness bade a lingering farewell to one of his most faithful confidantes, Cardinal Mario Rattoni, Governor of the Vatican Bank. "Dear, dear friend. What would I do without your loyal guidance?"

"You look tired, Your Holiness," the Cardinal replied solemnly, taking the Pontiff’s proffered hand. "Would you not wish to take a few days of rest? Another skiing holiday in the mountains perhaps?"

His Holiness sighed. "Ah, the virgin snows of the high Alps! Would that I could. Even though my pontifical vestments proved rather cumbersome on the slopes last winter. But no, dear trusted friend, the time is not opportune for such passing pleasures. The affairs of state, the spiritual lives of millions. It is these that prey upon my heart and mind. The human soul is strong and willing, even if the body tires. Buffeted by the winds of temporal change, Christendom is swaying, attacked on all sides by immorality and materialism."

"I could not agree with you more, Your Holiness," Rattoni responded gravely. "With the economic recession and people deserting the Mother Church in droves, we are facing a desperate lack of funds."

Despite an efficiency and cost-cutting drive, the Holy See was confronted by sky-rocketing deficits. Not even Moses could part the waves on this sea of red ink, thought Rattoni.

"Even some of our most generous benefactors, the Brotherhoods of Sicily and Chicago, have been lost to us," he pointed out.

The Pope nodded sadly. "Quite so, quite so. Proud men, even saintly men in their own way, yet so terribly misguided. I still cannot imagine what possessed them to exploit the Bank of the Holy Spirit in Chicago for such terrible deeds. As though, in their childlike minds, they believed that laundering the proceeds of evil might also wash clean their own defiled consciences before the Almighty. I still shudder to think of the machine-gun attack against the prosecutor and key witnesses at their trial. I know, dear friend, how especially terrible it must have been for you – to see the Vatican Bank’s own innocence in this sordid affair only validated by these slayings."

Cardinal Rattoni mopped at his damp forehead. "It will indeed be a moment of consternation and anguish that will remain with me for ever, Your Holiness. Your ability to peer into a man’s heart and see the truth never fails to inspire me."

"I also peer into the heart of our Mother Church and see there a great haemorrhage – the multitudes who are deserting the Faith. What are we to do? Alter the bedrock of our faith to suit the passing fancies of temporal change, to become fashionable in the eyes of Mammon? No, dear friend, it is time to take the lead, to bring humanity back into the fold."

"Another world tour?" The Governor blanched, remembering how previous holy expeditions had drained the Bank’s coffers.

"No, not quite. I have decided I must go to San Pimente, to the Earth Summit, there to do battle for the Blessed Virgin."

"To speak for the beasts?" Rattoni asked incredulously.

"To confront our greatest enemy."

"The destruction of the world?"

"No, dear friend, for the Blessed Virgin, I said. That should give you the clue. I have discovered that something most evil may occur at this international gathering. A decision which will bring the Devil into every home."

"Liberation theology?" asked Rattoni, hazarding a guess.

The Pope shook his head.

"The ordination of women?" Rattoni ventured, eagerly pursuing the little guessing game. "The Protestants?"

"Far worse, I fear, far worse."

"The sharing of wealth?"

The Pope, closing his eyes, took a deep breath before he could muster the strength. "Contraceptives!" he declared in a hoarse whisper.

"Oh," replied the Cardinal, guiltily.

"Dear friend, you seem unconvinced by the gravity of this terrible onslaught against the Virgin. These things, these contraceptives, are besieging us, battering the walls of our Church."

"But Your Holiness, that terrible episode last year – it has all been repaired. It is so difficult to keep track of our global investments. We were not to know that one portfolio was linked to the manufacture of contraceptives. It was, I admit, a most unfortunate occurrence. Though I hasten to add that hard-core contraceptives were not involved – merely an inferior brand of male… condom." The dreaded word sticking in his throat, the Cardinal gazed sheepishly at his feet.

"And would we ever have discovered this carelessness if I had not received free samples from the company in question?" admonished the Pope. "No, dear friend. The same moral decay that coerces misguided humans to utilise these devices is also the root cause of wanton environmental destruction, hunger and poverty. The so-called population explosion is merely a convenient scapegoat. How, pray, do they imagine to encourage respect for Life while countenancing the prevention of Life?"

"Absolutely, Your Holiness," Cardinal Rattoni murmured, not really following this infallible logic.

The Pope paced the marble floor, his delicate white hands forming a steeple, his small fretful eyes roaming over the stained glass oriel windows in search of inspiration.

"Both you and I have a grave responsibility," he continued solemnly. "I for the spiritual lives of our great flock. You for raising the finance for our great crusades. We will meet again soon to discuss my official visit. In the meantime I wish a Papal Envoy to be dispatched to San Pimente in all haste to exert whatever pressure is possible to remove this heinous proposal from the Earth Summit agenda."

"Of course, Your Holiness."

"Now, in preparation for my visit, may I ask whether any of our other investment portfolios hold compromising or embarrassing secrets?"

The Cardinal’s bloated face rippled in florid anxiety. "Well, it’s so difficult to please everyone, Your Holiness," he replied in a wheedling tone. "I believe that many of these people who so fervently wish to save animals actually have reverted to a kind of paganism. They worship the Mother Earth as a form of deity. They do not believe that by the Grace of Our Lord, we are blessed with absolute dominion over the Earth. Even the viper they believe is endowed with an immortal soul. Should we then fail to invest in agricultural chemicals so that the hungry can reap greater harvests? Or in medical research on animals so that the children will be saved from disease?"

"I see that the issue is far more complex than I had first imagined."

"Yes, indeed it is, Your Holiness."

The Pope shook his head sadly. "Oh, the perpetual choice which we frail humans must make every hour of every day between moral principle and pragmatism! To choose one above the other may well have such grave implications for the future!"

"Indeed, Your Holiness. And of course, without the profits from these investments – well, I dread to think…"

"I realise only too well that I am faced with a similar dilemma as I prepare to compose my Papal Encyclical on the Environment, which I must deliver to the faithful at San Pimente. On the one hand, our Lord God created this Earth and we may risk alienating many of the Church’s followers by ignoring its destruction – even though this will eventually deliver us unto the glorious lap of the Almighty. On the other hand, the Earth on which we dwell cannot be described as sacred. Once, perhaps, in the Garden of Eden still fresh and pristine from the kneading hands of our Lord Creator before the evil serpent tempted Eve and that fallen woman defiled Perfection, polluted Purity. Now this spinning orb on which we eke out a precarious temporal existence is in some ways not dissimilar from money, for it is purely material in nature. I am, it is true, besieged by demands to declare that animals and even trees possess an immortal soul. It is indeed a slippery slope. I must avoid anything that might actually encourage veneration for the Earth."

"Oh, absolutely Your Holiness."

"I must meditate upon this daunting dilemma. Even the most respected scientists are now predicting the end of the world. Could it be that Armageddon is nigh? If so, it would surely be wrong for us to impede in any way the Day of Reckoning, the Second Coming of Our Lord."

The Cardinal looked sceptical. Handling the Holy See’s global transactions for twenty years had made him rather more pragmatic than visionary. The only dilemma of the spirit he faced these days was between grappa and gin. Also, he doubted the scientists’ dire prognosis. And, even if they were right, there was no guarantee that this was actually Armageddon, let alone that the Lord would turn up on time.

<   |   1   |   2   |   3   |   4   |   5   |   6   |   7   |   8   |   9   |   >